Memos of the Military
by Stratagem
Summary: Just a series of inhouse memos and other things between various members of the military. Reason: Because I love the military!


_**Memos of the Military**_

Disclaimer: Okay, so I don't own the FMA cast, but I have decided to meddle in their business. I can't help it, I love the military!

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Lack of Completed Paperwork

I am writing to you concerning how little work you are getting done.

Do you realize how high the pile of paperwork on your desk is becoming? I cannot even see your face behind it; you're hidden by a mountain range of paperwork, sir. It's leaning slightly to the left and looks as if it is about to fall off the desk. I noticed when I walked by this morning that there are papers from July buried somewhere between Edward's report on Lior and Maes' extra pictures from Elysia's last birthday party.

Sir, you really must sign off on some of that paperwork. It's becoming a hazard to walk into your office. Fuery is afraid that he's going to get caught in an avalanche one of these days; that's why he hasn't been coming in lately, if you haven't noticed. You should be diligently reviewing and signing each piece of paper as it is put onto your desk. This would cut down on health risks for both your men and you. Also, you would have more desk space to put your coffee cup and pencil holder. I believe they've taken up permanent residence on the window sill since there is no room on the desk.

I do not know if you know this or not, but I can see your feet propped up on your desk, sir. You better not be sleeping. It isn't setting a good example for the troops. They're already slacking off on the job. Havoc's spending the days seeing how long he can make paper clip chains while Breda and Fuery are having a paper football competition. Falman has taken to reading the newspaper and making excuses to leave work early. The lack of discipline in this office is appalling and, I will not hesitate to say so, all your fault.

If you do not begin to review and finish the paperwork that is currently crowding your desk, I will be forced to take certain measures that will improve your effectiveness. You will not like these measures, so I believe that if I was you, I'd get right on it.

In closing, Colonel, all of this is for the good of the troops and out of respect to you. I am certain you will understand.

_**To:**_ All Personnel  
_**From:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Penmanship Courses

Seeing how you are all a bunch of slackers (except the First Lieutenant, of course), effective as of tomorrow, I am requiring that all of you learn to mimic the signatures of others. Your lessons will begin with learning to sign my name exactly. I have many papers for you to practice on, and for any paper that is not signed correctly with perfect accuracy, I will demote you. This activity will improve our proficiency as a team and it will also improve your individual penmanship abilities. Feel free to consider this as a treat instead of an order.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Heymans Breda, Second Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ What the heck, Sir?

Since we're considering this as a treat, Sir, can I refuse the treat?

_**To:**_ Heymans Breda, Second Lieutenant  
_**From:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Concerning Your Smart Ass Remark

No. It's mandatory.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Your New Plan to Not Work

I am writing to you concerning how your plan to make your subordinates learn how to forge your signature is an example of your extremely lazy personality.

Sir, you cannot force your subordinates to do your paperwork for you. We have things that we are supposed to be working on. It is your paperwork for a reason; a better way to raise the proficiency of this office would be to make everyone start working on their own work again. It is illegal for us to forge your signature on important documents. You are going to get us all court marshaled. These lessons on forging will only lead to strife anyways. Havoc can barely write cursive, and Fuery will be neurotic over trying to get the signature perfect. Your team will be in an even worse state of disarray than it is now.

If you would just do your paperwork in the first place, we wouldn't be having all of these problems.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, My Best Bud  
_**From:**_ Maes Hughes, Proud Father of Elysia Hughes (She's 33333!!)  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Paperwork

I just heard that you're forcing all your subordinates to do your paperwork for you. Nice work, getting them to forge your signature. No very by-the-book though, is it? Did Riza get onto your case or something? Oh, yes, you need to come have dinner with the family sometime; Elysia's getting so big, you won't even recognize her! She's so cute, I could just pick her up and squeeze her till she pops!

_**To:**_ Maes Hughes  
_**From:**_ Roy Mustang  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Re: Paperwork

Just stay in your own department, Maes.

I suppose I could come by sometime this week, but don't get your hopes up. I have lots to do and many previously scheduled occasions to attend to. Say hello to Gracia and Elysia for me.

Also, don't squeeze Elysia until she pops. Then you wouldn't have a daughter to squeeze anymore.

_**To:**_ Breda  
_**From:**_ Havoc  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Whhhhyy?

Why is the Colonel making us do his paperwork? Shouldn't that be his job? It isn't like he's doing anything else besides stealing my beautiful Anna while I'm not looking! Curse his charm and undeniable good looks!

I think he should make Fullmetal do all the paperwork. That would make him even happier and then we wouldn't have to do it.

_**To:**_ Havoc  
_**From:**_ Breda  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Re: Whhhhyy?

If he made Fullmetal do it, then the kid would be in here raising hell and no one would get anything done. He'd would probably just transmute the paperwork into a hammer and chase the Colonel with it or something.

On second thought, Fullmetal should do it.

_**To:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**From:**_ Kain Fuery, Master Sergeant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Penmanship Lessons

Riza, are we really going to have penmanship lessons? I don't want to take penmanship lessons. I don't want to forge the Colonel's signature! What if I get caught? What if I get court marshaled? What if I get caught and then get court marshaled and then I have to spend the rest of my life in jail with some guy named Harry and he likes the way my socks smell and he steals all my food? What if the prison guards don't like me? What if I don't get out on parole, and who's going to come see me in jail? I don't want to go to solitary confinement, Riza!

_**To:**_ Kain Fuery, Master Sergeant  
_**From:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Re: Penmanship Lessons

Concerning the unrestrained panic in your last message.

Calm down, Fuery, no one's going to prison. I'm going to talk to the Colonel about it immediately. Please, don't think that you're going to prison.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Jean Havoc, Second Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Elrics and Paperwork

Breda and I have discussed it, and we think that the Fullmetal Alchemist should have to participate in these penmanship lessons too. It's only fair since he is one of the team. Also, considering that he's a child genius, he should be able to pick up on the lessons quicker than the rest of us. Think about it, Colonel.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Kain Fuery, Master Sergeant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Noooo!

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Alex Louis Armstrong, Major  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Penmanship Courses

I am writing to you concerning the penmanship courses you are having your subordinates take.

I believe that this is a wonderful idea, and I will be happy to teach the course! Perfect penmanship has been a positively reinforced trait in my family for generations. We Armstrongs pride ourselves on having perfectly curved letters and staccato periods and powerful exclamation marks. Armstongs have often taught courses on penmanship at all levels of education...

(This particular memo continues on much too long to write it all here)

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Anonymous  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ WTF

WHAT THE HELL, COLONEL?! JUST WHAT THE HELL? WHHHHYY?!? why.

_**To:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**From:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ More Paper

Are you aware that the pile of paper on my desk is just getting bigger because everyone and their mother is sending me emails?! It's really unfair and unthoughtful of you, Lieutenant.

_**To:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**From:**_ Riza Hawkeye, Lieutenant  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ Re: More Paper

Concerning your last memo, sir.

Perhaps it will get you motivated, sir.

_**To:**_ Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant  
_**From:**_ Roy Mustang, Colonel  
_**Date :**_ 23 October 1913  
_**Subject:**_ More Paper

You're a cruel woman, Hawkeye...


End file.
